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Joke of the Day

"What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I've never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don't do that."

"My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night."

"You heard about /r/politics? Or as I like to call it, ""Baby's first election."""

"When I die, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. I also don't want to be cremated."

"What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They both come when you're alseep."

"If I have HIV I hope I find out from a Doctor, like Charlie Sheen did And not from the TV, like his ex girlfriends did."

"Did you hear Charlie Sheen has HIV? He thinks he got it after sleeping with two and a half men."

"I've never actually been caught smoking weed. But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes."

"I respect the Secret Service They are the only law enforcement agency in the country that gets in trouble if a black man gets shot."

"I really like the concept of train tickets. It's an idea I could get onboard with."