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Joke of the Day

"If I don't get my IBS and anger issues figured out... I'm going to lose my shit."

"Just made 7 decisions based on my phone's battery life."

"Breaking news!!! Ne ws"

"Why the hate for necromancers?T They're just trying to raise a family."

"What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer? A fair cop."

"Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth."

"Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite."

"NY Friend: ""You're in LA, you don't have to shovel anything!"" Me: ""Yeah? These heaps of broken dreams wont get off the sidewalk themselves."""

"perfume should come with instructions like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse points Do NOT marinade in event of overdose take shower"

"Two prime numbers stayed married for life. They couldn't be divided"