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Joke of the Day

"My friend told me my mustache makes me looks like Jeffery Dahmer. I said, ""Thanks. I've always wanted a killer stache."""

"What do you call the CFO of a landscaping company? A hedge fund manager"

"I'm torn between having wish you were here' or look behind you' engraved on my headstone."

"I don't trust left handed people They're never right"

"Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids... I won!! No one's a match for me and my kettle."

"What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck? A woman will always blow your paycheck"

"A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ""Uno, dos..."" And poof! He disappears without a tres."

"Waiting for the day when parents finally admit that their kid is in fact ugly instead of thinking they have the most beautiful kid ever."

"Gay men tend to be very tongue-in-cheek."

"I have a job crushing pop cans. It's soda pressing."