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Joke of the Day

"""Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people."" -my cat"

"Cheers to the freakin weekend *lays in bed for 2 days straight*"

"Right about now, Sarah Palin is sipping coffee and picking her next factually incorrect thing to say. And Glenn Beck is chasing a squirrel."

"I asked my grandfather for sex advice. He said, ""Slow down, you're going too fast."""

"a giraffe, a zebra, a hippo, and a mouse walk into a bar all of the animals hit their head on the bar except for the mouse which walked easily beneath it"

"The tabloids would have a field day if Billy Joel ever actually started a fire."

"What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph because hes not quite yet an essay."

"I'm just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions..."

"Why shouldn't you date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them!"

"*walks in on home intruder ""omg please don't look at the dust!"""