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Joke of the Day

"CW: My wedding is going to be expensive! Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!"

"Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire."

"I keep hearing so much talk about ISIS right now... They're really blowing up."

"I like to diffuse situations with humornnnnnnnnnAnd a machete"

"Some guy yesterday wanted to get all up in my grill... ... So I hit him with my truck."

"I've caught you canoodling. You're really in hot water now. I can see tensions are boiling. Perhaps we'd better leave this issue in the pasta tense. Sieve and let sieve?"

"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you will pay. You have my Word."

"What do you call alien life on Europa? European. Credit to Neil Degrasse Tyson on the Late Show"

"I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard, I came in cider."

"my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called ""good"""