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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a Mexican woman who has no legs? Cunts way low"

"My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is.......if it tastes good spit it out."

"To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?"

"The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined."

"I adopted a highway. Don't tell anyone I said this, but I don't love him as much as I love my biological highways."

"Nothing says ""I don't take you seriously"" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him."

"-Give it to me straight doc. -You'll never walk again. -Now give it to me gay. -You'll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again."

"Clark Kent ""I have a confession"" Lois Lane ""what is it?"" *Clark removes his glasses* Lois ""Is it a bird?"" Clark ""WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU"""

"*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad's hand for the first time*"

"I maintain a lifelong grudge against anyone at a restaurant who orders after me yet gets their food before me."