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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between my bed and my imagination? You aren't naked in my bed."

"They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun."

"The council have started asking people what they think of their plans to build a wind turbine off the local coastline. I'm not a big fan."

"I named my dog Herpes... If she's good, she'll heel. (Stolen from Priscilla)"

"What is the ideal weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, including the urn."

"WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly? *Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*"

"What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around stalking you after you toss a load in it."

"Why didn't the mathematician want to go to the beach? He didn't want people to see his tan lines."

"American beer is like making love in a canoe it's fucking close to water *Monty Python, Live at the Hollywood Bowl*"

"Went to the moon for dinner last night Good food No atmosphere"