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Joke of the Day

"They're calling the internet a drug now. Don't worry, though. It's not as bad as Cocaine or Heroin. They're calling it a 503 bad gateway drug."

"The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)"

"'Bout to get white girl wasted (drink 3 dirty martini's, squeal about loving everyone, eat chicken fingers & vomit)."

"A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record."

"Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you're just left with onion. pretty crazy huh Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*"

"What happened to the man who had a Disney character lodged up his rectum? He had the Mickey taken out of him"

"I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today Stupid capital punishment"

"If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she's told me I forgot..."

"Hollywood hasn't remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they're okay."

"What do you get a man who has everything? A good urologist."