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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous ME: ok [later] ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*"

"i'm not sure i cooked this chicken all the way through but you know i've had a good life"

"What is donald trumps biggest fear? Mexican ghosts that can walk through walls"

"Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends."

"Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher."

"Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named ""Geico."""

"Me: you married? Him: separated Me: your wife know about that?"

"A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter. How dairy.."

"It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car."

"I asked my wife for sex recently... She said, ""No, it's a super moon, not a blue one""."