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Joke of the Day

"Interviewer: Your resume only has ""Mad"" under ""Skills"" Me: Yeah boyee Interviewer: *tears up* You're just what we need. Welcome to Subway."

"Who should have played Bilbo? Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings? Bruce Willis. Because old hobbits die hard."

"I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people."

"I spent a solid two hours tonight drowning my sorrows. Never give a stripper PCP"

"I'm not sure why AT&T; dropped Tiger Woods. He just took advantage of his ""Nights and Weekends"" and proved ""roaming"" can be expensive."

"Don't worry, husbands. If something should happen to you, your wife already has the next one lined up."

"Why can't Black Beard use the N-word? He always says it with a hard ""arrr."""

"Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Spanish. Press 3 for Spanglish with Adam Sandler. Press 4 for Gibberish with Flava Fav. Press # for ham."

"I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed."

"I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, ""Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"""