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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a morbidly obese hippy? Tie Dyeabetes"

"America elected Donald Trump And we're going toupee for it"

"God I'm glad chicken breasts don't have nipples."

"You're a big fat liar! And I don't believe anything you say! See if I get naked for you again!! -Me to my scale as I step off of it"

"Every time Beyonce types out her name, she has to google ""Pokemon"" and then copy/paste the ""e""."

"What's the worst part of giving a magician a ride home? When you get there, you turn into the driveway. Ba-dum-bum! Don't forget to tip your waitress!"

"What did the metric alien say ? Take me to your litre !"

"[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner] Date: are you crying?"

"Smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy."

"Why do Baptists forbid premarital sex? Because they're afraid it could lead to dancing."