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Joke of the Day

"My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen.. I'm always like ""You're about to run into that lamp!"""

"Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: ""I'm so sorry"""

"How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to ""Yes I'll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me""?"

"Still waiting for the FedEx joke? OP didn't deliver."

"A C-string walks into a bar... A C-string walks into a bar and points to a char next to a float. ""Can I join you?"" he asks. The float replies ""You're not my type"" and orders a double."

"Thanks 'the news', but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school."

"Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA? General Pao's chicken."

"What's the difference between a redneck and a gay man? A redneck marries his sister. A gay man marries a brotha."

"What I say: ""Does anyone need anything from the store?"" What I mean: ""I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."""

"I'm looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga"