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Joke of the Day

"I put my middle finger up as soon as I start driving, and if another driver does something really good, I take it down for a second."

"Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying."

"Scientists discover first gay dinosaur... Its official scientific name is Megasaurass"

"Maybe this lady is trying to perpendicular park."

"It's not all about the money. It's all about all shit I can buy with the money."

"Why it is important that you grow mustaches? So that when you lick pussy they absorb the acids and therefore protect your teeth from falling off."

"When I die, I want to go like my grandpa..... Peacefully in my sleep, unlike them whinny kids screaming as the bus went off the cliff."

"I like to play chess with old men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

"Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then"

"I'm 2/3 virgin."