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Joke of the Day

"What is a water bottle's favorite game to play? Follow the litre."

"Mad Libs inventor died today of POOPING. He is survived by his PIZZA CHEESE and his LAWN DARTS. He will be A DINOSAUR."

"4yo doctor visit: Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I'd rather he play with mud. Me: .. Wife:.. Me: where do u download mud?"

"Can't you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick."

"I've just text my new girlfriend that I'm into all sorts of douchebaggery. Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is."

"Wife:How'd you sleep? Me: Fine except I got in a gun fight and died and went to the store because I ran out of shampoo W: Ambien:*giggles"

"Oh you're sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who's sick."

"I see the joke your dad told you, and raise you my dads dumb ass joke What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty, deer nuts are under a buck!"

"Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on you. Fool me three times shame on you. It's always going to be you. It's NEVER me."

"A 5-year old boy approaches his father saying, ""Dad, I know the woman I want to marry."" ""Oh yeah, who is it?"" He replies, ""Grandmaw."" ""You can't marry my mother!"" ""Why not? YOU MARRIED MINE!"""