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Joke of the Day

"I think the world of you! (Polluted, poor, generally prone to disaster.)"

"Being a penis is rough Your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up!"

"Teacher and Student Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I'm going home now."

"I farted in a room of hipsters... and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first."

"Tim Howard has been America's best goalkeeper since Sylvester Stallone in 1945."

"How do you now when somebody is retarded on Facebook? Well, its complicated."

"Every ghost story ever I walked into my house, and fell asleep. It was then, 3 hours later, I woke up and realized... I don't have a house"

"How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know I keep throwing them it just doesn't change."

"doctor: here's your x-ray me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another"

"The awkward moment when you remember something but you don't know if it was real or just a dream."