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Joke of the Day

"Kangaroo 911: What's your emergency? Kangaroo: I CAN'T FIND MY CHILDREN Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets? Kangaroo: Oh nevermind"

"A highlighter is just a regular lighter that knows how to have a good time."

"Two fish in a tank.. The one fish looks at the other and says ''How do you drive this thing?''"

"That moment when you're driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you're in the Atlantic Ocean."

"No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I'll just stay on Twitter."

"*at an AA meeting* ""Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol."" *gets aggressively escorted out*"

"How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's House? All right, all right, all right.."

"Do you know why every new bride smiles? Because she just gave her last blow job."

"I feel bad for people without arms... ... They can't rapidly take off their bottoms when they need to take a massive dump."

"Asked my 3yo what she was thinking and she said ""I wouldn't want to work at McDonald's bc you have to poop in the food before you serve it."""