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Joke of the Day

"Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it."

"Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy."

"Study shows that people eat more bananas than monkeys I don't even remember the last time I ate a monkey!"

"HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!"

"Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him."

"I knew a guy who was dyslexic... ...but he was also cross-eyed, so everything came out right."

"what the? why are all the prices $4.20? and where are all the potato chips? *walmart rollback guy is passed out in a box of clearance DVDs*"

"It's a sad moment when you realize the trash goes out more often than you do."

"I'll never be the girl who walks in the room and commands everyone's attenHEY! Can you at least finish reading this tweet?!"

"What do you call a shape that's always worried? A paranoid. (Wooo maths jokes)"