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Joke of the Day

"Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908 In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871."

"Just got home from the doctor, apparently I have a couple of kidney stones... It should be okay though, he told me that *these two shall pass.*"

"I had a dog named Herpes once. He was a good dog, but he wouldn't heel."

"Snape: ""I think the Dark Lord has returned."" Potter: ""Are you serious?"" Snape: ""No, I'm Severus."""

"Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often."

"I just realized why my dogs are afraid of thunder. They don't have any balls."

"[kidnapper hands wife phone] ""brent"" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED"

"i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back... and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!"

"British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray."

"If you're a necrophiliac sadomasochist who enjoys beastiality... You may as well give it up, you're flogging a dead horse."