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Joke of the Day

"I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it."

"My wife wanted me to buy something that goes to 200 in one second flat. So I bought her a bathroom scale."

"You can never trust the cat family..... The head of the family is always a lion, and his cousin is a cheetah. (Lying and cheater, for those whom need this explained)."

"I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons."

"Parenting 101 1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening."

"ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh"

"*interrupts eulogy* SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL"

"I dumped my gf as she had OCD Odorous Cunt Discharge"

"Yo mommas so ugly.. Scorpion said ""STAY OVER THERE"""

"Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes, but only if you're a billionaire."