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Joke of the Day

"[Titanic] Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign. Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat- ""What about Leo?"" Steward: No. Leo dies."

"Did you ever think about ten years ago you'd be saying.. ""I really hope this is a chick I'm talking to""."

"People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille."

"How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes."

"What is soft and fuzzy, and lives in a hole? My belly button lint."

"Why did the pirate update his Macbook? His matey told him he needed an iPatch"

"Ever open a drawer to get something, forget what it was, close the drawer and immediately remember, only to have to open the drawer again?"

"Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis."

"If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots they would be called, cellfies."

"Why didn't the racist eat the middle of his sunny-side up egg? Because he only likes whites."