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Joke of the Day

"I've never smoked weed before but the frequency with which I pass out, hand in a bag of snack chips, leads me to believe I'd be good at it."

"Who is that only black guy at the family reunion? Your fat sisters boyfriend"

"Did John Knott mind being the only cited author on his group's research paper? Knott, et al."

"Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I've just always had a passion for making people feel bad"

"[Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* ""It's...an empty box."" *silence* ""Oh honey, I love it!"""

"Oil If: Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is made from olives. Corn oil is made from corn. Then: What is baby oil made from?"

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes... That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away AND have his shoes!"

"In Victoria Secret shop... sir can i help you? yes...does this come in children sizes?"

"What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller."

"It was so cold out... I was cold out today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."