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Joke of the Day

"Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death."

"Sometimes I make up raps about the mortgage brokers and escrow officers I work with in case one of these mother fuckers tries to battle me."

"DATE: *gets in car* ME: hi *starts driving* DATE: how's it going? ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons"

"I wish work was like high school when I could just poop my pants to get sent home."

"I heard Hotel California for the 6th time on the radio during my cross country road trip. You can change the station any time you like, but the song never leaves"

"CNN is running a spot called ""Why Tsumanis are Dangerous"". They should follow it with a spot on ""Why Journalism Is Dead""."

"What do you get when you cross a Swedish tennis pro, a computer virus, and an insatiable hunger for mort flesh? Cyborg Bjorn Borg hosting smorgasbords at the morgue."

"Q: What do you call a dead magician's assistant? A: An abracadaver."

"Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex... Related: Looking for a workout partner."

"I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when... ...my wife said, ""You spoil those dogs."""