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Joke of the Day

"Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write ""do not eat"" on dry silica packets"

"One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday eight hours."

"My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Your mom xDDddd"

"What does a tree do when it wants to go home? It leaves."

"For Follow Friday I recommend Saturday."

"[bedtime] brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US me: SLEEP brain: NO, GOOGLE IT"

"Just realized what I'm putting on my tombstone. If you're reading this, I'm already dead."

"Say ""beer can"" with an Australian accent. You just said ""bacon"" with a Jamaican accent"

"A cannibal and a vegetarian go to lunch. They both order a Danish."