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Joke of the Day

"""Awww. There there."" *pats you on the face. Hard"

"I was at a bar when I finally got the liquid courage to talk to this guy... And that was the night I broke up with him."

"What's the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer? A prostitute will stop screwing you after you're dead."

"Autocorrect is horrible... I'm so tired of this shirt"

"if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected"

"What do you call a crushed angle? A RECTANGLE !"

"If I had a dollar for every time Hillary played the Woman Card ...I'd have $0.77 cents."

"Microsoft just announced they are changing the name of Xbox's Premier Multiplayer Service from Xbox Live to Xbox Dead..."

"When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill."

"Why did the polish navy start putting glass floors on their boats? So every time they went out to sea, they could look at their old ships."