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Joke of the Day

"I like to ask the waiter, ""What do you recommend?"" then stare at him angrily while I order something completely different."

"Asking ""Why aren't you married yet"" is like asking ""Why haven't you jumped from a moving car yet?"" B/c it's painful and not required"

"Let's be honest. They're windshield wipers for about a week, then they're just smudgers."

"Who was the burger's favourite all-time movie director? Sizzle B. DeMille!"

"What do you call a smelly man who tells terrible jokes? PUN-GENT"

"Know the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish."

"Case against Congress A guy walks into his agent's office and says, ""Got a great movie idea. Guy hates Congress wants to bring them down."" Agent looks up and says, ""We'll never get the backing!"""

"Nothing says ""I'm single"" like a string cheese wrapper in the bathroom trash can."

"Doc: So you're not sleeping? Me: nah D: how much water do you drink? M: a glass a day D: Alcohol? M: 4 glasses D: Coffee? M: Yes, please"

"Unlike his famous father, Lord Kelvin's son never amounted to much. He was an absolute zero."