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Joke of the Day

"(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike) KID:Dad, I'm scared ME:It's okay. The closest tree is a mile away TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*"

"Did you hear about the witch who went in for the lovely legs competition? She was beaten by the microphone stand."

"You know it's true love when your wife farts in bed & you go in the other room & text your boyfriend ""I love you."""

"The American healthcare system ."

"What do you call 75 year old John Cena? John Cenile."

"What does a rapper use to write their songs? Word,yo."

"If Twitter was a country, its flag would just have a bunch of poop and bacon and beer on it."

"*toddler screaming in car seat* Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home. Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?"

"Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells? She grew out of her b-shells"

"If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral."