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Joke of the Day

"(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike) KID:Dad, I'm scared ME:It's okay. The closest tree is a mile away TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*"

"Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? His wife is dead."

"""Opps"" is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency."

"Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors"

"Ever notice how loud the sound of a beer can opening up is at the gym."

"Why did the baker have so many customers? He desperately kneaded the dough!"

"What did Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and Nelson Mandela all have in common? They're all criminals."

"What does an old lady's pussy taste like? Depends."

"Want to hear the one about my penis..? You wouldn't get it... It's too long."

"How do you address a monster? Very politely."