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Joke of the Day

"This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women's bathroom."

"I finally started writing the book on herbs I've been putting off for so long, I guess it's.. :looks directly at the camera: ""About thyme"""

"So far, I've gotten away with passing as an adult again today."

"Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they- *coroner covers the body with a sheet* Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO"

"Did you hear about the new John Wayne toilet paper? It's ruff tuff, and takes shit from no one."

"Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it..."

"Who never gets his hair wet in the shower? A bald man."

"Everyone keeps telling me that I'm condescending. It means I talk down to people."

"It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin."

"Are you from Iraq? Cause i wanna see you Baghdad ass up."