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Joke of the Day

"Doc: Let's check your reflexes. Me: I have the reflexes of a cat. Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer* Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc's eyes out*"

"A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar The bartender says, ""We don't serve minors here."""

"Whats the opposite of progress? Congress"

"You know how birds fly in a v formation? Do you know why one side is longer than the other? It is because that side has more birds."

"Last night I dreamt I was a vacuum, it really sucked."

"How will Trump fund the wall? He'll get the money from *wall* street"

"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? I can't make a vitamin..."

"Why did the USA invade Panama? Just 'Cause"

"*comes back with wife's purse* w: I said don't run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled? m:[bleeding] Twice"

"Sitting while wearing shorts is a fun way to make your thighs look like they escaped sausage casing."