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Joke of the Day

"Last night I dreamt I was a vacuum, it really sucked."

"I own 2 types of fossilised animal excrement I'm a shit collector."

"What did they say to the doctor that wanted to sew his own stitches? ""Suture self!"""

"Clubbing I never have a good time going out to clubs. I can't seem to hit on any girls. All my friends pay to get in and hopefully leave with a one night stand. I pay to stand for one night."

"Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I'm live tweeting ""The Walking Dead."" Wife: Me: Everything isn't about you."

"I just turned my iPhone into an iPad simply by holding it closer to my face."

"What's grandma's favorite seasoning? Old Bae"

"What do you call a dog from another planet? A dal-martian"

"Mrs. Claus can't have kids Do you know why Mrs. Claus can't have kids? Because Santa only comes once a year, and that's down the chimney."

"Pumpkin Cider? I hardly know her!"