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Joke of the Day

"I haven't been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn't lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I've told to cops."

"What's the difference between Beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are over a dollar; deer nuts are under a buck."

"Imagine the PR nightmare if one of these pardoned turkeys goes on a killing spree."

"I used to be an Uncle like you... ...Until I took an arrow to the niece."

"[cop car] Buzzfeed Guy: It's okay I work for Buzzfeed Cop: You robbed 10 banks Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn't believe how much I got from #6!"

"How do street drugs get into the prisons? Not really sure, but my best guess is that some assholes smuggle them in."

"How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and one to provide suppressing fire."

"A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars. ""Thirty dollars?"" he replies. ""What do you need twenty dollars for?"""

"I am single by choice. Choice of 2 billion women."

"Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1? A: For spare parts."