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Joke of the Day

"The lesbian couple next door got me a Rolex for my birthday... I think they misheard me when I said ""I wanna watch"""

"Why is a giraffes neck so long? Because its head it so far away from its body"

"Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl."

"Meant to tell my daughter ""Good night, I love you,"" but it came out as ""Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"""

"Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!"

"How did Harry Potter get down the mountain? Running!... JK, Rowling."

"Man it would suck if I died on this plane mostly because of some unused gift cards I was waiting for ""the right time"" to use."

"Two types of people that irritate me: 1. A drunk person when I'm sober. 2. A sober person when I'm drunk."

"If eye fucking is a thing, my husband probably has opthalmic herpes from Haley at the burrito store."

"What long and hard thing does a Norwegian wife get on her wedding night? A last name"