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Joke of the Day

"""What's a good gift for someone who has everything?"" Meth. Next year they'll have nothing it'll be easier."

"In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man."

"I've got a 3D printer But it only prints pieces of paper."

"One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators"

"I was standing at a urinal taking a leak when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my right was Michael J. Fox...bad day to wear sandals."

"What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch? Names."

"You have to admit that if you saw Santa Claus actually coming down the chimney you'd freak the fuck out, presents or no presents."

"A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly ""Awww look at the dead birdie."" The blonde stops looks up and says ""Where?"""

"Tired? There's a nap for that"

"[Snail Court] Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor? Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time."