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Joke of the Day

"Knock, Knock... Who's there? Peas. Peas who? *Peas pass the butter*"

"Build a man a fire, he remains warm for the day But set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life"

"The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6."

"How many guys in the Friendzone does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just stand around complimenting it then get pissed when it doesn't screw."

"Her: Isn't she your girlfriend? Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn't checked her voice mail yet..."

"ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you'll like it! trust me! 6: I ain't falling for that shit again"

"A hipster walks into a bar... and says ""This place sucks now, it used to be better before all the hipsters took over."""

"Need the best Hillary I need the best Hillary Clinton joke there is. The worst the better. I need to tell my history teacher. Shes a Hillary supporter. Dirtier the better"

"What does a cannibal drink for breakfast? A cup of Joe."

"My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they're naming IKEA furniture."