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Joke of the Day

"Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce."

"The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security."

"If Donald Trump had a band, what would be its name? Donald Trump and the Trumpets Their first single : We built this wall."

"[getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH"

"What do you get if you cross Dracula with AI Capone? A fangster."

"People say I should be ashamed that I'm still a virgin... I literally don't give a fuck..."

"I like pressing f5. It's so refreshing."

"Wtf I feel like I pay these bills every month."

"What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese woman run over by a steamroller? One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian."

"My son went over to a friend's house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day."