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Joke of the Day

"Wtf I feel like I pay these bills every month."

"Next time someone texts you to say ""call me""... Call them to say ""text me"". And just hang up."

"Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they were veloco*raptured*."

"I haven't been this confused about what's going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies."

"There was a black-out in my city last night. The police said stay in doors until they shot him."

"HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire HIM: i meant like- ME: everyone claps"

"I don't like rape jokes... they always feel forced."

"I laid my tired head down on my pillow & saw the most terrifying thing I could possibly imagine: My phone. On my dresser. Across the room."

"Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt? I promise it's not a pyramid scheme."

"I got a phone call from a girl saying ""Come over! No one's home!"" I went over and no one was home -Rodney Dangerfield"