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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry Potter came out of the Chamber alive."

"I will let someone cut the line I'm waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind."

"Would've totally banged this chick at the bar, but I noticed she had a crooked pinkie toe. Better luck with someone without standards,babe."

"This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What's your name? What's your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?"

"Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed."

"Every time you say you're humble, I want to buy you a dictionary."

"To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I'm not justifying your monthly subscription of $0"

"You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that can't be divided by two."

"What do philosophical dolphins say? What's the porpoise?"

"DAD: What happened to your car? SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn't work. DAD: Well... SON: Don't- DAD: There's no going back now"