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Joke of the Day

"I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn't make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad."

"Soccer player calls his wife after a game... Player: ""I scored two goals!!"" Wife: ""Great! What was the end scored?"" Player: ""1:1"""

"The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking."

"You're following a man who once stole someone's garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That's on you."

"Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison."

"""8. I have 8 condoms full of hummus taped to my person right now. Anyway, enough about me, can I get you folks started with an appetizer?"""

"If Russia tried to take Turkey from behind... ... do you think Greece would help ?"

"I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that 2017 is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All."

"If you come mow my lawn for me I promise to look out the window occasionally and give you a thumbs up."

"i may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented i forgot where i was going with this"