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Joke of the Day

"My ""Savings Account"" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets."

"There's only one vampire on Sesame Street... At least, only one that counts."

"Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping. 4yo: *runs upstairs CRASH JUMP ""Wake up!"" SLAM *runs back downstairs ""No, he's not."""

"My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats' heads to make little wigs."

"Me: Where's your maternity section? Her: Over there. How far along is she? Me: Her? I'm shopping for my Thanksgiving pants. Her..."

"Jesus at the Last Supper. Jesus: *breaks bread* - This is my body! *holds a glass of wine* - This is my blood. *starts to open a jar of mayo* Judas: Sorry Jesus, I will have to stop you there."

"Have you heard about the restaurant on Mars? The food is great, but the atmosphere is lacking."

"I realized the reason why i don't have any patience. Because I am not a doctor."

"Two flies were dining on a turd.... One fly lifts up his leg and farts. The other fly says , "" Hey! I'm trying to eat over here!!!"""

"What's the world's longest sentence? .... I do."