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Joke of the Day

"FB friend's boy in a baseball uniform pic: ""Our little pitcher"" Me: ""He looks more like a catcher"" Nobody got it. So I'm back here.."

"I was watching Star Wars in English Class And a classmate says ""metaphors be with you"""

"I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, ""If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."""

"You'd think there'd be more mirrors in the self-checkout aisle. As far as I know I made this joke up."

"Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, ""Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?"" and the other muffin says, ""AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"""

"A picture's worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post."

"It would be terrifying if Elizabeth I were alive today... ... Because she's dead. Note: Credit goes to my dryly-sarcastic history professor."

"I once ate an entire pack of rope I shit you knot."

"drinking game: take a shot every time the futility of your existence depresses you"

"When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, ""No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"""