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Joke of the Day

"Why did Adele cross the road? To say Helllllooo from the other siiiiide. My daughter came home from school with that one."

"Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan."

"For a second I thought this cookie had raisins in it, but luckily they're just spider egg sacs."

"My friend had to amputate the front of his foot so I punched him in the face. I'm lack toes intolerant."

"Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory? They have such a high turnover rate."

"ME: I have crab like reflexes DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what"

"what's the difference between an onion & a bagpipe? nobody cries when you slice up a bagpipe..."

"Sometimes cops don't believe it when I explain that my mom's dying wish was to keep her cremated ashes inside a bag of blow in my glove box."

"[interviewing cave bat] me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down? Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one."

"I didn't send Christmas cards this year, what with the economy and all. Mostly I'm just lazy, but blaming the economy is so much more fun."