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Joke of the Day

"What is it? It has legs, but doesn't walk, beak, but it doesn't bite and wings, but it doesn't fly. What is it? -A dead crow"

"What do women and autistic people have in common? They don't know when to shut the fuck up"

"*forgets to talk to friends for 4 weeks*"

"Apparently telling the principal that ""it's not cheating, it's cooperative learning"" was the wrong thing to say."

"You ever hear of Randy the Brown Nosed Reindeer? He was as quick as Rudolph but couldn't stop as fast."

"My business is awkward smiles and poorly executed high-fives, and business is good."

"I want to steal someone's phone who has 8000 followers and retweet the fuck out of myself"

"Favorite Doubles: 1. Scotch 2. Cheeseburgers 3. Bourbon 4. Entendres 5. Dipping"

"Scientists have found the cause of paedophilia. Sexy children."

"There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel."