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Joke of the Day
"What did the carrot say when the last vegetable arrived at the party? TURNIP"
Next Joke
"At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date."
"*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: ""Where to?"" Me: ""oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."""
"I just killed like a dozen carpenter ants and now I have no idea what I'm going to do with all these little tool belts."
"Girls want a Guy that's a gentleman and a Bad Ass! Girls want a guy that's a gentleman and a bad ass. On first dates, I wear a tuxedo and an eye patch!"
"Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry's singing"
"The man that invented throat lozenges died last week... There was no coffin at the funeral."
"Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts."
"Funny one liner: My dick is so big that my girlfriend use it as a selfie stick My dick is so big that my girlfriend use it as a selfie stick"
"Don't sleep with politicians. They all have aides."