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Joke of the Day

"I hate self-promotional people. They're so into themselves they probably don't even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now"

"What's Alex's (from 'A Clockwork Orange') preferred type of light? Ultraviolent"

"Health food? Baby, my body is a '93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I'm not about to start putting premium gas in it now."

"It was a pain to clean up after carrying out my fetish for the first time. But its definitely a load off my chest."

"""WATERMELON"" HAS 4 SYLLABLES. ""ILLUMINATI"" HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI."

"I forgot my U-bend was blocked when I went to the toilet... I soon remembered, when it all came flooding back."

"As Winston Churchill once said, ""Wait a minute -- I never said this."""

"Not saying it's wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two."

"the sign at this subway bathroom says employees must wash hands. ive been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. nothing."

"Keep your friends' cake and your enemies' cake."