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Joke of the Day

"HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!"

"Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water."

"If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on."

"How do you make a pheromone? Let his people go!"

"Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank? He wanted to wake up oily."

"Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs. Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on."

"How can you tell if your wife left you? You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!"

"Him: I like powerful women. Me: Gotcha. *dresses up as a rhino*"

"GOLFER: what r u thinkin ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use"

"""You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"" ""Mister President, we've been over this..."""