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Joke of the Day

"Some old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. Turns out pushing the old bitch to the ground was a bad idea."

"A girl went to Thailand... And came back a changed man."

"my japanese friend keeps calling latex gloves pentadick condoms i guess the radiation is getting to his head too"

"Marriage: I gave sex up for this?"

"Why do people say ""Cannonball"" when jumping into a pool, but no one says ""I'm jumping into a pool"" when firing a cannonball #Interesting"

"Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you? *Whirls Around* Me: I'm not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I'm drinking!!"

"""You've got a friend in me."" - Cannibals, probably"

"May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]"

"His icy glare melts my creamy core. He's so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him. -Oreo to milk"

"*weighs self* ""Shit"" *takes clothes off* ""GODDAMMIT"" *takes tampon out*"