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Joke of the Day

"I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 pm The clock turned to 12:00 and I thought to myself, ""Same shit, different day."""

"Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone's house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper ""to go"""

"Can you guess how many turkeys we're gonna serve tomorrow? Turkey-two j.k. we don't celebrate thanksgiving here lol happy normal day to us"

"I became ill after taking self-defense classes... I think I caught Kung Flu."

"Life tip: do stuff even though it's hard and you suck at it"

"GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy [meeting her parents] ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?"

"[commercial for mops] *scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor* ""There has to be a better way"" Narrator:MOPS"

"Why don't you go down on a girl first thing in the morning? Haven't you ever peeled apart a hot grilled cheese sandwich?"

"The Alzheimer Society of Ireland is commemorating 30 years this year... ...or is it 40?"

"I just think it's sad that we've seen eachother naked and we don't talk every day."