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Joke of the Day

"If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I'd have 27 dollars and 15 cents."

"My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry So I threw a coconut at his face."

"Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Surely not sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about."

"The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike She wasn't promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. (Mat Ewins)"

"[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you ""..y..o..u..'r..e.."""

"I thought it was a compliment to tell a girl she looked like Ronda Rousey... I guess I should've left off the ""after she got kicked in the face"" part."

"When you wish upon a star, planets are being scorched and destroyed billions of miles away but that's okay because YOU'RE IMPORTANT."

"What do you say when your mom walks in on you fapping? C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!"

"A sissy in a Prius terrormobile tried to race me at a stop sign. Had him for the first 100 feet, but a fella can only walk so fast. Merica."

"HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods"