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Joke of the Day
"Why is Mrs. Claus disappointed? because Santa came early! I'll let myself out."
Next Joke
"This may be the wine talking but help he's drinking me, he's drinking me."
"[on quiz show] ""and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?"" *leans way too close into the microphone* spend it alex"
"[sees fly] Hmm... I think I'll name this creature ""Fly."" [sees bird] GODDAMMIT"
"If it looks like a duck & shrieks like a drunken banshee it's probably a white woman getting her picture taken in the club."
"I once threw a fish off of the roof of my house. I guess you could say the bass dropped."
"Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill areas"
"A robber broke into a perfume store... He raided the register and stole everything in the store, he took every last scent."
"Where could you look up Joan of Arc's profile? On Tinder."
"Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees."