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Joke of the Day

"I asked my mom if I was pretty or ugly She said both, Im pretty ugly."

"I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons."

"If you watch ""The Empire Strikes Back"" backwards it's about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad's identity he starts hitting on his sister"

"Two eggs were boiling in a pan. The female egg said to the male egg, ""Ooh, look, I've got a crack."" The male egg replied, ""Calm down, I'm not hard yet."""

"I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why."

"Did you know that if you take all the people in the world and split them in half you'd be a mass murderer"

"Why did the pig join the Army? He heard the food was a mess."

"What dries your clothes but can also make you writhe around in agony? A tumblr."

"Well, that didn't work. Anybody need 1000 custom candy hearts saying ""Threesome?"""

"I'm not doing anything cheesy for my girlfriend on valentines day... She's lactose intolerant."