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Joke of the Day

"I almost got hit by a car this morning and the scariest part was that my last words would have been ""whoa there chap"""

"How do you tell if someone is riding a bicycle for fitness or because they have a DUI? The cigarette."

"Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? ""It's open."""

"Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie? It's a perfect 5/7."

"The Packers or the Colts. Take your Pick"

"Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive"

"Did you hear about that African-Asian summit? Apparently it was a black-thai do."

"My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house. I looked at her and said ""Decepticons"". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time."

"Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9."

"[soldier making lunch] Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]"